I Solemnly Swear

I saw a game being played on a bunch of weblogs last week that involved telling stories. The idea was to see if you could determine whether someone was telling the truth or making something up. It reminded me of this story, in which what appears to be obvious isn’t necessarily true.

A bunch of years ago, my friend Hilary got a traffic ticket in the mail. For reckless driving. Although she’d never been pulled over by a cop, a bicyclist claimed she nearly ran him over when she was exiting a bank drive-in. Hilary vaguely remembered nearly smooshing the guy, but she was pissed at him for appearing out of nowhere and scaring the wits out of her so she flipped him the bird and drove on. The guy took note of her plate number and convinced the cops to send her a ticket.

It’s never fun to get a ticket. But here in NJ, where we have the most expensive auto insurance in the entire farookin’ world, you really don’t want a ticket. Tickets mean that the most expensive auto insurance in the entire farookin’ world is gonna cost you even more. Hilary wanted to fight this ticket in court so she enlisted the aid of a smart, powerful, clever attorney – her dad George. And George had a wicked plan. A plan that involved me. More specifically, using me as a decoy.

I never thought Hilary and I looked at all alike. But enough people have commented that we bear a resemblance to each other, and George was convinced that his plan would work. If not, Hilary wouldn’t be any worse off anyway.

So the appointed court date arrives. George had me sit next to him in the audience. The place was pretty packed. Hilary was in the room, but camouflaged and hiding way in the back.

Judge comes in and eventually gets to Hilary’s case on the roster.

JUDGE: Is claimant Mr. Bicycle present?

MR. BICYCLE: (Stands up) Here.

JUDGE: Is the attorney for Hilary W* present?

GEORGE: (Stands up) Yes, your Honor. George W* representing.

(At this point, Mr. Bicycle whips his geeky head around to see George talking.)

JUDGE: And is your client also present?

GEORGE: (looking at me) Yes, your Honor. My client is present.

Mr. Bicyclist got to go first and describe to the court his death-defying close encounter with Hilary’s Ford Explorer that fateful date back in the summer of 1990-whatever. He has got a ton of paperwork. He’s got diagrams and 8x10 photos of the bank drive-in. He’s got maps showing Hilary’s alleged escape route. He has copies of his complaint to the police, and photos of the bike, even. A little overboard if you ask me, but I don’t think this guy has too much real life to cope with.

So the judge politely looks at all this paperwork, and then asks the guy CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE PERSON IN THIS COURTROOM THAT YOU ALLEGE ALMOST HIT YOU?

Sure enough . . . and this was so cool it was like right out of LA Law or something . . . Mr. Bicycle stands up in the witness box, focuses his glare on me, raises his right arm and outstretches it with the index finger pointed right at me.

THAT’S HER.

Judge dismisses him, and calls me to the stand.

JUDGE: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?

ME: (Hand over the Bible held by the bailiff) I do.

JUDGE: State your name, please.

ME: Lynne K*

JUDGE: You are not Hilary W*?

ME: No, I am not.

JUDGE: Were you driving the defendant’s vehicle in Sea Bright on (whatever that date was)?

ME: No, I was not.

JUDGE: Have you ever driven that vehicle?

ME: No, I have not.

JUDGE: You may be dismissed.

ME: Thank you.

I stand up and get all the way back to my seat, shaking like a leaf from head to toe. And just then the Judge bellows at me.

JUDGE: JUST A MINUTE, MISS K*. We’re not done yet.

Uh oh. I think to myself: we are SO in trouble.

JUDGE: Please let me see some identification.

Whew. I whip out my driver’s license, walk back up and show it to him, and he dismissed me a second time.

After a few minutes or 10 seconds of deliberation, he delivers the verdict of Not Guilty. And says to Mr. Bicycle “It looks to me like you were riding that bike on the sidewalk. YOU should have gotten the ticket.”

George and I gathered our stuff and started to walk out. You had to see the stunned look on Mr. Bicycle’s face when he saw Hilary rise from the back of the crowd and join us. It was priceless. Really priceless.

The three of us then went to a local restaurant to celebrate our victory. We were doubled over with laughter for the better part of two hours, recounting every second of the “trial.” Sure, it was a perfect example of just how sleezy lawyers can be. But it's also another great memory to add to my collection.

And that’s the truth!

Comments

[Crazy Neighbor Lady]

I don't think he was sleazy - just very wise. I'd hire him in a heartbeat! Great story that rekindled my faith in the "legal system" LOL!

[scorpy]

How wicked was he? Were you? Was she? I LOVE that story! How I wish I could have duped the dumbass complainants (or however it's spelled) who turned left in front of me, and somehow I got the ticket for failure to yield!

Did I mention I L.O.V.E that story?

[Jim]

That is a GREAT story. Municipal Court, the last bastion of "frontier law," is often a great source of pathos and heavy-duty comedy. I just made a mental not to blog about a couple municipal court experiences I have had.

Thanks!

[Diann]

OMG! ROFLMAO!!! How cool was that! If I ever get into legal difficulties, I'm paying for George to be licensed in Alabama and flying him down here!!!

(BTW, I found you through CNL's blog list. I'm HeartofDixie "down the street.")

[Becky]

That is too funny! I have a "twin" like that from college where people used to get us confused. Even my boyfriend saw my friend driving and actually wondered to himself..."why is Becky driving Meredith's car?" Duh... I may have to do a post like this myself.