Healing

My daughter is finishing up her first year of high school, and she did a great job of it.  In fact, she joined about 100 of her schoolmates last night for an academic awards ceremony.  Emily received three awards, but was very surprised at not getting one for algebra. As a ninth-grader, she's already taken four years of it.  So she was caught a little off-guard by that.  But the thing that really shocked her last night?  The moment when she turned around from her seat in the second row, and saw me sitting next to her father in the fifth row.  Next to her father.  And we were laughing.

The night was just full of excellent awards.  And they had just given awards to two kids for their technical "excellence" - supremacy above all others in the realm of hooking up PCs, installing programs, updating definitions, and all that geek stuff.  I turned to my ex and said "That's today's version of the AV kids."  He laughed, and I laughed, and that's the precise moment that Emily witnessed when she turned around to talk to a friend.

You see, Emily has never seen anything like that that she could remember.  My ex and I split when she was barely five years old, ten years ago. Although I doubt I will ever go web-public with specific events of the marriage, the five years following the end of it  were filled with nothing short of hatred between us.  We never spoke, except by voice-mail.  We tried never to be in the same place at the same time.  In fact, if my former father-in-law had not died on a certain June evening in 1998, requiring the ex's presence at the wake instead of at our son's kindergarten graduation, I would have missed seeing my son in his first cap and gown. Yes, it was bad enough that I would have missed that event.  I would have cried about missing it, but the hatred between his father and I was palpable, and I would not risk the possible outcome of trying to fit that much hatred in a small place in front of my kids.  And even though I tried, mostly successfully, never to speak ill of their father in front of my kids, they knew of the hated.   

A few more years passed and my ex remarried.  With that came a certain lessening of the tensions.  He was happy with his life again, and I was happy with his choice of a step-mother to my kids.  We began speaking to each other again a few months before the wedding.  By phone, mostly, but occasionally at some of the kids' sporting events.  Because now that the tensions had eased, the hatred somehow dissipated and I no longer feared the fire-and-brimstone effect that being in the same area with him might bring about.  I went to the games, and he went to the games, and step-mom went to the games and we managed to relax a little. 

It was never quite cozy, though, and conversations were usually limited to when and where to drop the kids off in the great shuffle that accompanies divorce with kids involved. Or sharing vacation dates, or gift ideas so we didn't inadvertently both get the kids the same number one item on their wish-lists.   But even though not warm and fuzzy, it was a helluva lot better than the tension-filled lack of conversation before. 

Recently, step-mom and I began sharing information by e-mail.  Just keeping in touch with things going on with the kids.  My kids spend more time at their father's than they do with me, and it helped me immensely to know what was going on at the other house. We (dad, step-mom and I) now present a united front to the kids, sharing the good as well as the difficult news. 

So Emily seeing her father and I laughing together last night was a big surprise to her, but it was really just another small step in the long process of healing.  We might have finally reached the stage where I can say "healed" in the past tense.  Where we're actually more mature than the kids about this divorce thing.  Where we can laugh about things. Emily may be surprised, but not more than I am.  And that's a good feeling.   

Comments

[Jim - PRS]

Nice news. Sounds to me like a good development for all concerned.

[scorpy]

That actually DID give me the warm-fuzzies. I don't remember how much I've told you about my parents, but they never got to the sharing-information-even-if-not-friends stage, primarily because of one of them lacking the ability to be an adult.

And I read that from Emily's heart. It doesn't make much sense, but from her viewpoint, I'd like to say "Thank you."

[Sluggo]

I haven't spoken to my father in 25 years and neither has my mother. I'm healed in the sense that I very rarely think about the SOB, but it's not a good thing.

Your daughter will remember that moment the rest of her life, I'm sure of that.

[Becky]

Being in your daughter's shoes growing up, I can say that things were so much "easier" and nicer to enjoy when my parents could at least be cordial to each other. I don't think they could do it until at least my wedding, and I was 24 at the time. I was so nerve-wracked, thinking of how they'd behave that I couldn't enjoy my own day. So, I think it's cool that you and hte Ex are working on it now. Congrats to Emmy and her awards!

[Becky]

Being in your daughter's shoes growing up, I can say that things were so much "easier" and nicer to enjoy when my parents could at least be cordial to each other. I don't think they could do it until at least my wedding, and I was 24 at the time. I was so nerve-wracked, thinking of how they'd behave that I couldn't enjoy my own day. So, I think it's cool that you and hte Ex are working on it now. Congrats to Emmy and her awards!

[Kate]

Good for you!
How funny - just this weekend, my mom and stepmom teamed up and drove down to my house to surprise me and my brother. They never EVER got along. So, I know how your daughter feels.. and it's a wonderful feeling {{{hugs}}}