I drove all the way to work yesterday only to turn around and drive home again two hours later. Seems I picked up the headache/sore throat/coughing bug my kids recently had. So I intended to spend the rest of the day on the couch with a blanket and a good book, but decided to get a few phone calls out of the way first.
I can't make personal phone calls at work. An occasional one is OK, but I avoid it. Especially since anything you say will be heard by all 10-12 people in the surrounding cubicles. So I've put off making a few medical appointments longer than I should, and yesterday afternoon was the perfect time to get them out of the way.
First I called to make an appointment for my annual mammogram. Definitely didn't want to schedule that one within earshot of my co-workers. I made the appointment easily, but for some silly reason, they have you call another number to pre-register for the 'gram. It's a stupid process, but I followed it. When I got through on the second line, the lady asked me a bunch of routine questions: name, address, medical coverage info, blah, blah, blah. Then she asked me who to contact in case of an emergency.
A mammogram emergency?
Honestly, what could go wrong? The only thing I could think of is - and it's godawful - if that machine that squishes your boobs got stuck in the squish position. Dang. Can you picture the phone call?
Technician: Hello, Mr. Xyz? This is The Women's Center Office in Red Bank. Do you know a Lynne Abc? I'm afraid there's been an emergency.
Mr. Xyz: Oh God. What happened? Is she OK?
Technician: Yes, she's OK, but there was an equipment malfunction while we were giving her a mammogram, and, um, I'm afraid she's stuck.
Mr. Xyz: Stuck? Whaddya mean stuck?
Technician: I mean we were actually doing the mammogram at the time, and . . .
Mr. Xyz: She's stuck in the machine? Her boob is stuck in the machine?
Technician: Her breast. Yes. That's the problem. We're waiting for the repairman now.
Mr. Xyz: Oh my God. How long is that gonna take?
Technician: We don't now, but he said he's on his way.
Mr. Xyz: I'll be right there.
Technician: Actually, there's nothing you can do here except perhaps calm her down a little.
Mr. Xyz: Alright. I'll be there in 15 minutes. Wait . . . how the hell do you think I'm going to calm her down? Her boob's stuck in a machine, for heaven's sake!
Technician: Well, perhaps you could tell her you've heard pancake breasts are going to be the next fashion craze?
Mr. Xyz: /Faints/
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Anyway . . . on to the second phone call. I needed to schedule an appointment with my regular doc. Just a checkup sort of thing, you know? So I call.
Receptionist: Medical Associates. Which doctor are you calling for?
Me: Doctor Brown. I need to make an appointment.
Receptionist: Well we have an opening at 4:00. Do you want to come then?
Me: No, I don't want to come today. I'm sick. What have you got in the evening next week?
Receptionist: /Silence/
You might have had to be there for that one.
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