Boys

Oy. It's been a wild week work-wise.  Much going on, going wrong, going crazy.  My co-workers and I rarely have time for any idle chit-chat, and it is very unusual to see someone forwarding e-mails that aren't strictly work-related.  But once in a while, I do get one of those "jokey" type things in my mailbox.  Usually read 'em and delete.  Yesterday, though, with more than a little need for comic relief - you know, a little bit of morale-boosting - I took the e-mail that I and a half dozen others had received, added some comments, and passed it back through "Reply to All."  And a few of the recipients of that e-mail responded in kind.  I present to you the original mail, and our additions, as a kind of early Mothers and Fathers Day gift:

Original Mail:

RAISING BOYS and sometimes wild girl children . . .

The following came from a mother in Austin, Texas.

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1) A king sized water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2) If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 

3) A 3-year-old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.  It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9) A six-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in movies.

10) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old boy.

11)  Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12) Super glue is forever.

13) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

14) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15) VCRs do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys, do it because:

A) For those with no children, this is totally hysterical.

B) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

C) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

D) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

E) For those who are unsure about having children, this is birth control. 

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The ensuing Replies went like this:

Me:  In my case, it's C, and therefore E.

I have also learned that:

- It is virtually impossible to light a golf ball on fire;

- Smoke bombs lit and inserted in the brim of your hat will not ignite the hat;

- You can make mashed potatoes by putting fireworks in a spud (but this is an impractical cooking method for a large group);

- A bowlful of Grand Marnier (at $38 a bottle) burns for about ten minutes; and

- Red Bank's fire department response time is two minutes for the Chief, and from two to five minutes for all six trucks to arrive.  It's entertainment for the neighbors, anyway.

B added her experiences:  Here are a few from someone with 3 of these creatures:

- You shouldn't throw stuffed animals at the ceiling fan either. They tend to break open.

- I hear ya on the Lego's thing!

- Nerf products and gas fireplaces do not go well together.

- Flies really do explode when you microwave them.

- VCRs do not like grilled cheese sandwiches, either.

- Super glue really does stick in your hair.

- You should not eat the Christmas balls off the tree; they tend to stick in your throat.

- You can not walk a fish on a leash.

- Your brother will not like it if you put him in the dryer and turn it on.

- Even though it gets warm, the dryer will not cook potatoes.

- And lastly, when you hear "Uh Oh" in the bathroom, the fan is on, and it is a Snuffy Alert (a Sesame Place term), it is best just to leave the house!

B2 chimed in - he's got only girls, can you tell?:  Dandelions mixed with mud and grass, placed in a tin in the fridge for a few hours make a lovely cake and ready to serve.

P, who has one of each, continued: Inserting coins in the car's CD player doesn't make the music "richer" but causes short circuit.

B3, father of two boys, added:  Ten minutes in the dryer can be very stressful to a Bichon Frise.

Finally, one of our grown up boys, P, advised us: I don't remember that much smoke when mixing brake fluid and Clorox.  It must have been a cheaper brand of bleach. 

Hope you enjoyed; if you can add others, hit the "Comments."   

Comments

[CNL]

1) If left alone in a room with a box of matches, adolescent boys will attempt to find out if it is possible to ignite farts and usually figure out after 5 matches that this would be better attempted with pants off, rather than on.

2) Adolescent boys generally do not want their mother to apply burn ointment on their ass cheeks or any other southern part of their body.

CNL, Mother of 2 boys

[scorpy]

1) Panty lines on dad's head are hilarious when talking about rearranging dad like a Mr. Potato Head.
2) Hairy balls come to mind when jumping out of a tree.
3) Younger sisters make great "tackle dummies," but are usually only good for one play.

scorpy - stepmom of 1 boy, sister of 2 older brothers.

[LM - grown girl who once attempted the following.]

*If you want to see how fast a Kleenex will burn after lighting it on fire, NEVER attepmt indoors. If you do, moving all the furniture six inches to the left, will not prevent you from getting caught.
*If you spray enough hairspray/perfume in the bathroom, and then light a candle, and throw the candle in the toilet -- you can catch the toilet water on fire!